From 5 floors up, at night, the world below looks like a giant ball of darkness dotted with tiny red, white lights and the occasional reds, greens and yellows. So when life gives you a little less attention and you don’t know what else to do, you look at those lights and you obsess till you find the most absurd analogies and patterns. Lights stood patiently in line to be let through the darkness, they blinked yellow in confusion, flashed a bit of red to warn the other lights. The lights were clear about their feelings and their statuses quite unlike the humans that controlled them, who happened to be here, there, everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. For instance the human controlling the patient light wasn’t really patient, the confused light’s human was just waiting his turn.
We wait weeks to meet each other and finally when we do, we watch the football matches and the cars on the roads. We create relationships and then kill it with our insecurities and our insensitivity. We talk but never of the things that matter, we avoid the most important questions like plague(if I ignore it, it doesn’t exist. Everything is perfect). The lights seem to have it all figured, when will I ever know?
Do you know how long it takes to delete 63414 messages?
A long while.
As opposed to the ‘it’ll be over in a second’ theory I had in mind,
As all the words of endearment, the silly fights, the making up to each other and everything we said to each other disappeared,
Despite my panick stricken efforts to make the machine stop,
Even though I was the one that set it in motion,
Pain filled my heart.
There I was,
Sometimes I am stunned at the number of times I just want to blurt out those three little words to you,sometimes bewildered by the fact that I didn’t (despite the urge) and most of the sometimes later I just wonder if you feel the same way or it doesn’t even cross your mind. At this point you might be wondering why I had to write an essay about it, couldn’t we just have had a conversation? I have had this conversation in my head a billion times but when I see you I just opt to say nothing. What if I open my mouth and destroy the equilibrium, however pseudo it might/might not be. I have been happy and I have been so scared that it might not last for too long. Don’t get me wrong, you have not done anything to turn me into this grand piece of confusion. But I have a memory of a far away time when I told a boy that I loved him and he forgot to love me back,until I told him that I couldn’t love him anymore and all the memories of the things that people do in the name of love that are not very loving,still spring up every now and then. All that love and all that paranoia fuse to form this supreme weirdness, so sometimes I look at you with a big question mark on my face, sometimes I look at you without the question mark. I told you that I like to know things and I would like to know if you would say ‘I love you too’, if I said that I loved you or would it be lot of complications?
She kept hearing his voices, she tried to hush him and make him stop buzzing in her head. He was always there but now he was getting stronger. There would always be a ‘but’ and there always were terms and conditions in everything he ever told her. It wasnt because she wasn’t perfect but she couldn’t be who she was, she had to change, she had to let him live in her body. He said he loved her a 9 out of 10 but don’t think too much, she had to go and that was final. Then he started feeding her his potions, she began to change, she was getting stronger and her voice was not her voice anymore. As she changed little by little she began to realise that this is who she always wanted to be. The voices were her own and she just wanted to live in this world as him!
Memories lay in old cupboards and drawers, covered in dust and forgotten with time. I walked around the house I grew up in, walked around talking to myself, talking of silly stuff and stupid stuff like when we were 7 year olds like Esta and Rahel(Arundhathi Roy’s dizygotic twins). I looked around, looked around for something specific-all my senses searched for signs of her. Her,the matriarch, the strongest woman I had ever seen, the one we lost 3 years ago, our grandmother.So it was for her that I searched in a house that I had only almost always inhabited with her. Yes it was strange to find that she had been slowly erased by us who are now inhabiting her space, we had slowly mopped and dusted the minute remenants of her physical presence.The pungent smells of her oils were gone, her silver white strands were absent and no one came to force over-feed me breakfast,lunch or dinner. I failed to find her in her own house, she was all gone just like our Sunday morning phone calls. It was time to leave and I didn’t know if or when I’ll be back. I went to shower and then suddenly as I stepped into the already wet bathroom floor a medimix smell greeted me and there I found her again and she wasn’t gone, never would. Now I leave in peace, with a smile on my lips and smelling like medimix.
There I was running late to another potential life event, but that’s okay, I was going to be in all the photographs. Our wide smiles and big eyes will mask all of our insecurities, our indifferences, our grief, the conflicts in our heads and the imaginary conversations in our minds, our lack of communication, our(or just mine) ‘mental traumas’ and our frustration at each other’s stubbornness. It will always capture us smiling, slightly serious or cutely candid;never mad, crazy, pulling our hairs out crying or self destructing. For one moment we put our lives on hold, to pose for the camera, to immortalise the happy person in these billion photographs and try to tell the rest of the world that we are all well, happy, satisfied and having the time of our lives.
There was noticeably no movement to the body,it kept functioning just to ensure that they din’t pull the plug. It was silent, apart from the faint humming of the machines that kept a little bit of the human alive. He had given up on trying to show it, the signs of liveliness. Seconds and minutes, days and nights, weeks and months had passed,he just counted all of it in his immobile head and waited for the plug to be pulled. Grey rooms, dim lights and buzzing machines were all that was around.
And then the door opened, it was her with someone he dint know. She switched on all the lights,it flooded the room with magic;her friend hummed a little tune that blocked out the buzzing of the machines and turned them into music. They saw a spike in the monitor. Tall points and colour bursting up on the dull screen,it was never brighter. Fixing the broken parts, showing them how silly it was to keep the lights off and voices away!!